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May 28th, 2006
July 8th, 2005
07:12 pm
So many things are coming into focus now.
My life now, is nothing compared to what it was a few months ago. I wont lie, i love Andrew, and i still pain over us not being together. Knowing that there is someone else beside him, someone that has replaced me. I never knew that love could be this way. But at least i know now how hard you can fall from making such careless mistakes.
I feel like a new person. I am much more serious about where i want to go, and who i want to be. I am setting guidelines, goals, and rules for myself.
One thing has come back to me though, and that is the longing to sincerely care and love someone. I so badly want to be given the opportunity.
I have fallen for someone. But even though him and i are trying to know eachother, it feels like something is in between us. Im not exactly sure what. Perhaps this man has been hurt very badly in the past? I dont know. I just hope that things turn out for the best.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/punquinheads/blue/thoughtful.gif) thoughtful
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May 20th, 2005
12:48 pm - Favorite LOTR quotes
Frodo: I can't do this Sam.
Sam: I know. It's all wrong. By rights we shouldn't even be here. But we are. It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.
Frodo: What are we holding on to Sam?
Sam: That there's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo... and it's worth fighting for.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/punquinheads/blue/hopeful.gif) hopeful
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May 12th, 2005
05:43 pm - OMG This is hilarious!!!
You guys HAVE to read these articles. They are hilarious!!! Especially the 'Japanese kids say the darndest things 1-3' and 'Japanese people say the darndest things'. The articles are written by a black American male teaching in Japan.
Ahahahaha, its so funny!!!!
http://outpostnine.com/editorials/teacher.html
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/punquinheads/blue/happy.gif) happy
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10:30 am
Hmm, ok so there hasnt been an update in awhile. Although there has been alot happening, and there are many things that im looking forward to.
You see, no matter how bad things are you always have to remind yourself that it wont be that way for ever. You just have to keep trying, and doing your best. Hold yourself high, and believe in yourself and thing will soon start getting better.
A few things that im looking forward to:
Saviors Pre-release - May 21/22
Saviors Release - June 3rd
The outcome between Konami suing Roxor's games =0 ????
The Half-blood Prince (Pre-ordered!!! =P)
My trip to Japan - June 7th
Ax 2005 - July 4th
Alona coming down to LA from Israel after a whole year of not seeing her *beems* - June 7th
My last semester at Pierce (Fall 2005)
Return of the Sith - May 19th
Oh and Andrew, if your reading this i found some information about joining the PD. Coincidentially there happened to be a booth today at school =D. I think thats a good sign!! Plus when i reached into my purse today there was a ladybug!! =0 Good luck!! Weee.....!!! Anyway, i found out that the main requirements are that you need to be in good physical and mental shape. Your eyesight and hearing needs to be ok, and you need to be a U.S. citizen. You will have to go to an Academy for 5-6 months, but if you get hired before then by a department, they will pay for your education at the academy, so thats good!! Also, they look at your criminal record. You can do it!! All i would be concerned with is getting your citizenship. But since you have been in the U.S. for a while now, it wouldnt take long to obtain. I also remember them saying something that you would still qualify is the INS has approved your citizenship. You can you it!! I believe in you!!! If this is what you need to do to get to where you want to go, then do it! XD
I made a new deck. Its a 'Megrim/Warped Devotion' deck. Yay!! Fun!!
http://gatherer.wizards.com/gathererlookup.asp?set=EighthEdition&name=megrim
http://gatherer.wizards.com/gathererlookup.asp?set=EighthEdition&name=warped_devotion
Im not giving up on this deck, it has too much potential. Plus it reminds me of my first deck which was black and blue, so there is some emotional stuff behind it. ^-^;;
Ack! I feel so happy, and at peace. As if everything is coming back to a balance. All i know is that i will have to work hard and put in alot of effort for things to work out the way i want them to. But thats ok!! All the great and marvelous things in life are hard, you just have to keep trying!!!!
Also, Andrew if you are reading this, here are the lyrics to Perfect by The Smashing Pumpkins. I dont think it was a coincidence that i heard this and thought of us. I have a feeling that in the future when we hear this song, we will remember everything that we went through and how we felt at the time. But i really do believe that if you truly love someone you can overcome anything (im a hopeless romantic i know =P).
Smashing Pumpkins - Perfect Lyrics
I know we're just like old friends
we just can't pretend
that lovers make amends
we are reasons so unreal
we can't help but feel that something has been lost
but please you know you're just like me
next time I promise we'll be
perfect
perfect
perfect strangers down the line
lovers out of time
memories unwind
so far I still know who you are
but now I wonder who I was...
angel, you know it's not the end
we'll always be good friends
the letters have been sent on
so please, you always were so free
you'll see, I promise we'll be
perfect
perfect strangers when we meet
strangers on the street
lovers while we sleep
perfect
you know this has to be
we always we're so free
we promised that we'd be
perfect
Ok, well now i have to go, so i hope you enjoyed this quick update!!! Sayonara!!!
Current Mood: happy
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April 30th, 2005
06:15 pm
Anubis (July 25 - August 28)
Anubis is the guardian of the nether world. It is the most determined of all signs. Those born under this sign are self-confident and their ability to keep things under control make them widely respectable
Strengths: sympathetic, generous, loving and perseverant in proving their view point.
Interesting......
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/punquinheads/blue/worried.gif) anxious
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April 25th, 2005
09:51 pm - Missing ......
Being afraid of getting hurt makes you selfish, because youre pretecting your own feelings instead of considering the feelings of the one you love.
But, isnt love the complete opposite of that?
Another thing, i think its very important to be able to be yourself when in a relationship. That special person has to love you and accept you for everything that you are. The good and the bad.
True love can work past any adversities, any hardships, and heartaches, and pains, and distress.
I have faith in love, and what i feel. Even though i have been through alot of hardship, i would walk through broken glass with my bare feet, and jump through fire, i would endure as much pain as i have over and over again, just for love.
That is how much i believe in love.
Its really strange. My whole life i have never believed in anything so strongly. And even though when i hit bottom, i had so much anger and hate and sadness in me, but all that is passing.
Love is eternal. Sadness can fog up the mind and soul, and swallow your heart whole, but love never leaves you.
That love gives me faith, hope, and strength.
I had lost myself, i dont know when, why, or how. But the important thing is that im slowly finding myself again.
When i lost myself, i had forgotten what love was to me, therefore i forgot how to love. That was disastrous and painful for me. But that did not meen i loved my lover any less. I had just lost myself. And when you lose yourself, you dont know who you are. You cannot love who you dont know, and if you dont love yourself, you cannot love another.
Its easy to forget how to love, or what love is. Because the world is filled with so much pain, unkindness, lies, deceits, etcetera.
I dont blame a person for forgetting how to love, or what love is. Its ok, thats alright. As long as you keep trying to reach for the love that is always there.
Love cannot be selfish. It has to be supportive, and understanding, patient, caring and kind.
Love is like a tree. It starts so small, but slowly it grows into something beautiful. The type of tree it grows into depends highly on the foundation, care, love, and attention that is put into it. If it is given what is needed, the roots will grow wide and deep. Making a tall and sturdy tree that can withstand any harsh weather.
But hey, nobody is expecting you to get it right the first time. Just keep trying and dont lose faith.
You may think me foolish to hold onto such beliefs, and to what i feel inside. But love is not selfish, so even if i dont get anything in return, even love itself, i wont lose faith. I will always believe in love.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/punquinheads/blue/sad.gif) sad
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April 23rd, 2005
12:08 am
So i have decided on what i want to do with my life.
As you all probably know, one of the biggest things i want to get to do in my life is travel and learn different cultures. This will probably meen that i wont be rich, ever, because of me moving around so much, but that wont matter. Im really looking for the experience, not the money.
Someone let me know about the JET program (Japanese Education Program). Basically they prepare you to teach English in Japan. Only i want to teach Japanese elementary school children English, not adults. And im pretty sure they almost never station anywhere directly in Tokyo, but thats ok because i would like to try the suburbs first not the city.
I still plan on getting my AA in Child Development and my BA in Child Psychology. I really want to get an MA as well in ED Psych. And eventually in my lifetime get a P.h.D. I will continue my education in Japanese, and i will begin also to learn sign language as well as brail. Well that is what i want to accomplish.
I dont have much going for me here. I will be lonely when im gone yeah, but i want to start a new life. Im so exhausted of the all this pain, i want to try something new. Even my good friend noticed that there was something different about me. He said that i just look 'exhausted, and not in a physical way'. And its very true. Many people go through hardships, but i have been through so much, my sould is weak. Very weak, and hurt.
Alona will be in Isreal because she says she feels she belongs there. Im glad for her. Tanya will probably be gone to some sweet island living her dream. Garrett, well i dont know where Garrett will be ^-^;;. Maybe working in NYC for Bill Gates (his right hand man =P). I hope Dustin finds his place and becomes successful. When i say successful, i meen spiritually, mentally, and emotionally, not materialistically. I would think you were successful if you were living your dream, and striving to achieve your goals. My mom and Ruthie would probably still be here, but i would visit often. Very often. Besides them, i have no reason to stay. Im being pushed away by the person i care about the most, and thats ok. But no matter how hard you push, i will stay on the ground and wait for you. That goes for any of you.
Well now you know the icing of the cake. What will happen for me to get there? I have no idea, i just know some of the ingredients needed here and there. But life and people are unpredictable, but thats the fun part right?
Current Mood: sad
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April 17th, 2005
12:00 am
So theres this game Ruthie has just been playing over and over!! She just can't get enough of it. Its a Wario touch screen game for the DS. Im borrowing from Garrett, but i haven't had much chance to play it ;_;. The game has all these cute little characters that have their own mini games. Each minigame is different, focusing on different ideas, like rubbing, turning, blowing, etcetera. Its a reallycute game. And despite Ruthies age, she is catching on really fast! ^-^
Wow, I-LOVE-ANIME. Seriously, some are just fabulous, and others of course.. suck!!!!! But im reading Furuba right now (thank you Garrett!!)and it is such an adorable anime ;_;. The characters are so wonderful, and the messages given are very important. I know its a Manga, but the messages, i believe, are still important, no matter where they come from.
Why is it that no matter how hard you try you always end up hurting the one you love the most? One thing is certain though, when the person you love gets hurt because of you, you feel like the most pathetic, worthless person on earth. Sometimes its hard to face that fact that your loved one is hurt because of you. You may even be angry at your actions, making you reflect that anger onto other people.
Im fat. Yes you heard me right!! Im bloody fat!!! And i need to do something about it!!! I say more sweets!! XD Ok ok, maybe no more sweets. Actually i eat waaaay too many sweets for my own good ^-^;; . Ack!! I have a goal to lose 10 pounds by the trip to jap-AN. I can do it!!! *self encouragement*
*cries* I wish i had played DDR today. But the place was so damned packed!!! 0_o Where did all these people come from? -_- Dont you wish sometimes that everyone would just DIE!!!!! *cough* Ok, maybe you dont. But really, i thought everyone hated 'Teh Castle'?! Whatever, its just annoying to go and find the DDR machine surrounded by mor-umm.......lots of people >_>.
Ive been so......out of it lately. Actually, i would say im very alert, and i see things more clearly now than ever. I just am always thinking about things, about someone. I dont even try to think about these things, i dont want to because............its too painful. The feelings and thoughts get so overwhelming that i just want to go to the top of a high moutain and scream my little heart out; in attempts to release whatever is inside of me.
Have you ever hugged someone and felt an instant connection? Or just felt soooo giddy? Or hugged someone and felt both your sprits dancing together, making you want to press that person as close as you can into you in attempts to become one? Its wonderful isnt it? Too bad its a very special and rare thing to experience, i feel lucky to have known such a thing. ;_;
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/punquinheads/blue/indescribable.gif) indescribable
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March 31st, 2005
06:26 pm
I just realized.........that even though life keeps going on, and i try my best to move on. I am so empty inside. Im missing something very dear, its gone, and it hurts so much.
That is all......
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/punquinheads/blue/moody.gif) restless
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March 26th, 2005
08:13 pm
Although today should have been exciting, it wasn't. My mom, Iganacio and I took Ruthie to the doctor today. It turns out she has mild Anemia. The doctor gave us some yucky medicine that Ruthie has to take every 8 hours for 10 days. If she doesnt drink it, she will only get worse. Which is hard because everytime we give it to her, she ends up gagging and trying to vomit the medine. Man, she is a smart girl.
There was this ASSHOLE at the hospital. I was playing around with Ruthie, and she was getting excited which she showed by a little laugh or yell every now and then. This guy has the nerve to come up to my mom and say "There is alot of sick people in this hospital, can't you control your daughter, its really annoying me". I was like "Uhhh, she isnt a DOG she is an equal, so i wont attempt to CONTROL HER, and if she feels like laughing she will!". Then he said "So your saying you can't control your daughter? Thats abusive to your child, and selfish too", as he starts walking away. My mom said "Oh its abusive now is it? Why dont you call the police if its so abusive?", and i called him an Asshole, because he was.
I meen WHAT THE FUCK?! First of all, Ruthie was NOT the only child there yelling, or laughing, heck, EXPRESSING her joy. Some children were even running, which Ruthie was not! Secondly, we were in the Goddamn waiting room! Thirdly, How in the world is it abusive to your child to treat them as an equal, and to allow self expression? This guy has clearly never had any children, and if he did, he obviously didnt learn anything from it. For heavens sake!!! I was so pissed i started saying aloud that someone should slap that man into reality. Thats when my mom said "Shhh, he is an adult". WHO THE FUCK CARES IF HE IS AN ADULT? I know i certainly dont. Some adults have the mentality of a 2 year old! You think that all those years of living, would help people gain insight, but noooooooo!!!!! Some people are too fucking stupid!!!!
*breathes*
Well, not that i am surprised, or that its news to me, but it just pisses me off how stupid and pigheaded some people can be. Among other things....
Ok, well the other day Andrew and I actually got together for a nice chat. Let me just say that it was wonderful! I didnt even have to talk much, because everything he was saying was precisely what was on my mind!! Actually, that reminds me of some of our earlier conversations...when we first met. We would talk for hours and all i would have to say is.."I feel exactly the same way".
How can it be that we have not spoken or even seen eachother for 2 and a half months, yet the same things have been in our minds, and we have been going through very similar situations in our hearts and lives? I..have no idea. *chomps on a cookie*
Well after he left, i felt like an enourmous weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I didnt exactly have any clear answers, or figures for the future, but i felt good inside. Its like.......we needed that talk. Even if it doesnt end up anywhere, just telling eachother how we felt, and whats been going on was just...relieving.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/punquinheads/blue/angry.gif) cranky
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March 8th, 2005
10:06 am
First off to start, i feel i am doing a bit better. There are some things i want to work out, but this time alone is really helping. I can already feel more of myself. ::breathes:: Im grateful.
Lately i have been putting alot of thought into moving out soon. Some of you know this. The plan is to get a job working at a school this summer, save up money for a few months, and then move out. Only i would like to have a roomate. If anyone is interested please let me know, and i will think about it. ^-^
So far im happy with the way things are going at school. Im really not into my phsyiological psychology class. Its really putting a damper on my interest in psychology, but i will push through it and get it over with. Learning about neurons and how the brain works and how that affects your behavior is interesting, but not my cup of tea.
I was actually thinking of picking up a third major or minor. Maybe in education? I dont know. I really want to travel alot in my lifetime and having a felxible major would a plus. i already know that i want to live in Japan for a few years, and then move to a place where it snows, and then to a place that has pleasant winds, and then maybe retire near a beach, or away in the mountains. I really want to travel mainly for the experience. I dont care if i have a nice house, or many possessions. Just as long as im happy with myself, my surroundings, my career, and my family (of course family also includes my dearest friends), i will be content.
You know its been so long since i have spoken or even seen Andrew that i have amost forgotten what our relationship was like. I find that to be a sad thing. Nothing really loses its value as long as someone remembers, but the way things are i doubt he remembers either. Im still really upset about him not being my friend anymore, but if this is what he wants then so be it. You can't change the way someone feels. I just feel bad knowing that the potential we had has gone to waist.
One important thing about being in a relationship is letting yourself be vulnerable. If you are too afraid of being hurt, then your relationship will fail. In order to know love, you must know pain. It just goes hand in hand. Just remember that pendulum.
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March 3rd, 2005
12:15 am
Hmm, i keep getting this feeling like im alone, utterly, utterly alone. Even though i had a nice day just hanging out with Garrett tonight. The break-up with Garrett is hard, but i only hope that our history can help us become really good close friends ::nods:. I'm very grateful for the people who are in my life right now. I know that some of you are busier than usual, but im still glad knowing that you are there and that i can rely on you for emotional support. Thanks guys... ;_; You really meen alot to me, and i could never for a minute forget how you stood by me through the hard times.
The hard times....that sounds past tense doesn't it? but its not. I keep having these moments where i just break out into tears. I feel so much sorrow in my heart for all the mistakes i have done, and all the pain and trouble i have put people through. I will do my best to make things better, even if it meens going through pain to do so. i say this because i go through pain each day that Andrew is not in my life. I wish only that we were still friends, even friends who hang out in the same group but hate eachother, at least then we would be part of eachothers lives.
Everyday i only hope that everyone has a happy, successful, fulfilling day. I pray to myself that everyone takes the time to make good final decisions, because each decision you make is so crucial.
I just dont want to feel hurt, and emptiness anymore. But i can't expect it to go away because i just want it to, its something that i must cope with for now to my best ability, and only hope that time heals my wounds and gives me the opportunity to make positive changes.
As people can probably tell, im not very stable right now, which is why i couldnt be in a bf/gf relationship right now. Right now...i just need to heal, right now i just want to know i have friends whom i can lean on, and get support hugs from. Ahhh......im very tired. Tired of trying so hard to achieve that person i want to be and keep failing.
But, i must not stop trying.
Even though my past has made me into what i am today, today i have the choice to improve on who i am.
I hope that in the future, things are more heart warming, and joyful. For now, i just have to keep doing my best.
Current Mood: restless
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February 13th, 2005
10:33 pm
Hello, its been a few days since i have updated. School has been rather hecktic. I have 5 classes, and i like them all! Although i dont know how well im going to take my art class. I am actually going to have to draw a naked model =X. GREAT! >_>
To be honest, i have not been too happy as of late. It just seems like i can't feel who i am anymore. I feel so removed from myself....its disturbing. I dont want to feel this way anymore, i want to fix this. I want to become in tune with myself again. I have been doing alot of thinking, and i have thought that maybe what i need is to get away and just be alone. Alone so i can figure myself out again, to persue my interest and beliefs, and to focus on improving myself.
I realized that in the past when i tried to get space, i really didnt leave. That didnt work out the way i planned it to. In fact, things seemed to explode afterwards. This time, if i do decide to take some space, i will do it for good. Of course this doesnt meen that if anyone needs to talk to me i will brush you off, i would never do that. *sigh* Im just so unhappy with myself, and certain things right now.
I called Andrews house today, but his mom picked up. She didnt seem too happy that i called. Its sad really because after knowing me for 3 years i thought she cared about me more than that. I understand that she is upset with me because of whats happened, and in the end she is looking after her son, but that doesnt meen she has to stop caring about me. Even my mom still cares about Andrew, she misses him in fact. Well, in anycase, i asked her kindly if she would tell him that i called, but i doubt she will give him the message. *sigh* If thats the case, how am i supposed to get a hold of him? He canceled his Xanga, so i can't keep contact with him through that. I do have a few options though, i can 1. Go to his house by either getting a ride from my mom, or taking the bus, which i think i will do as soon as i can 2. write him an e-mail, or snail letter and 3. keep trying to reach him at home. In any case, i want to try and re-build my relationship with him, as friends. It hurts me everyday that we are not in eachothers lives anymore. It really does...I feel terrible more and more eachday knowing that i messed up something really good. *cries* Im such a loser....
Maybe i am stupid, i meen why would Andrew call me that if i wasnt? I have always tried to be the best that i could be, but i have failed. I messed up in one of the worst ways, and its clear to me why. There is no point in thinking highly of yourself, when in reality your just another low life. The only way that i ever feel good, and confident is when i have control, and in this case i have none. I have tried so many times to fix things, but im still at square one with Andrew. Why? Because im no good... Who wants to friends with a low life anyway?
Thats why i want to leave for a while...i just dont like myself right now. I dont, not one bit. Not for anything. For everyone who thinks anything good about me, here are the facts. Im a liar, im conceded, im self centered, im a flake, i manipulate people, im a slut, im stupid, i try too hard, i do fear being alone, im a bitch to my family, i can't commit, im weak, im just all around an ugly person..
And for all these reasons and more i need to leave. Its sad that i work so hard to be the best, and yet im still at square one. At least i have one thing going for me, im still trying.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/punquinheads/blue/gloomy.gif) numb
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February 6th, 2005
08:43 pm
OMG! Moi dix Mois is going to have a live in France *tear* Why doesn't the U.S. ever get anything good like that? ;_; ::is jealous::
This Saturday there is going to be a Gothic Lolita meetup in Little Tokyo. I really want to go to this one. There is going to be a DDR competition, and a costume competition with a GLB as a prize. XD Thats so cool. Im still trying to decide wether to wear a dress, and bring running shoes on the side for ddr. Or to just come ready for DDR. I will look kinda funny wearing a dress and running shoes XD, plus playing DDR! ^_^ What do you guys think?
I really feel like i need to be more active with my interest. Does that make any sense? The fact that i play ITG, and DDR is good, but i miss doing other things. I'm going to see about trying out some card shops for tournaments, or just game play. Also, before i go to bed, I'll make sure to read at least for 20 mintues, just to get back into the groove ^_^. I'm halfway through The Hobbit! Then the Trilogy, and then MAYBE i will read some Robin Hobb. *cough* I said maybe...If i can get past the first damn pages!!! They are boring as hell! XD
I CAN'T WAIT TO GO TO JAPAN!! Woohooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hehehehe, yeah im really looking forward to that! I'm also looking forward to AX, yay!!! Hhehehe, I have many things planned for next year. ^_~ Anyone who is interested is welcome to come!!! XD
WOW, i found my old music, and i missed it!! Dead Can Dance are....amazing. Listening to their music makes me feel like im in a forest at night. Making a circle for a ritual ;_; I MISS THAT!!! Waaahhhh!!!!!!!!!!!
You know where i have been itching to go, but im too afraid to try and actualy go? Perversion. I want to go so bad, but im afraid it will be too much or that the regulars will be "who the hell is that?!" or worse, "what the hell is that?!" -_- Maybe someday someone will force me to go, or i will just get the guts to go. Either would make me happy, besides being stuck at home online all the time -_-. Now if i was stuck at home playing Diablo II : LOD or Warcraft III, that would be a different story ^_^ Puchuuuuuuuu!!!!!! PlanetCyber anyone? XD
Andrew and I spoke the other day. Im really happy about that. Hopefully things will get better, and maybe in time we can build a friendship. Who knows, maybe with our background and history we can understand eachother and become really good friends. That would be really nice.
I was wondering something about myself. Is it bad that i like people buying me things? Ok, i dont meen like having someone buy me something that costs $100 everytime he/she sees me, but having them treat me to something nice like ice cream, a movie, or a toy makes me feel i dont know, like im being thought of? I don't know, i think it is in a way because you could see me as being materialistic. But i guess it comes from having been poor my whole life and never getting the chance/opportunity to get the things that i want on my own. Its sad really, that last time my bought me clothes was in december. And that wasnt really all new, she exchanged these shoes she bought me last year (they didnt fit me well) for another pair, and bought me a pair of black slacks. Oh well, maybe i expect too much? I don't know, its hard. Does anyone know what i meen? No, i guess not. You can't know what i meen unless you yourself have a mother that has to have 3 jobs, be on foodstamps, and nag her babies father for money each month, in order to survive every single month.
Im tired...im tired of living with uncertainty. I don't ever know if my mom will have enough money for the next month's rent. God, thats why i want to leave the house as soon as possible. It will make things easier on my mom, and i could help her out a little bit with paying bills. I know i will have my own bills, but i will have more extra money in my pocket than my mom. I appreciate the fact that my mom is paying for my education, that meens alot to me. And when she offered this trip to Japan, because she says i have been working hard =\, my heart broke and sank. It was so unselfish, and sweet. ;_; At least whenever i do get things i am REALLY grateful for them.
Also, I noticed that with partners i need alot of attention, care, love and looking after. I know that may sound selfish, unrealistic, or like i ask for too much, but that goes back to my past. The fact that i never in my life met my father. THAT BASTARD!!!!! Why the hell didnt he ever bother to come and look for me?? Am i ugly, or stupid that he finds no interest in me?! God Dammit, im an adult now, but that is a wound too deep to heal. Too deep. Dammit! Damn him! For what he did to me and my mother. This is one of the reasons why im so anal about making serious relationships with people. Im not here to fuck around like my dad. No way. Dammit, and yet i fucked up with Andrew. I guess that shit runs in the family...
No, no, thats not it. I just made a mistake, which i learned from. It had nothing to do with my father, or my past. You are what you make yourself out to be. Unless there is a force that comes between your own free choice and way of thinking. ::nods::
Well...............*breathes* I guess you can say those are two of my big flaws. I know i have more, and i recognize the flaws that i have, but these need to be understood in order to understand and appreciate who i am and where i come from.
Damn, I can't view my schedule because the server is down -_-, but as soon as its up im going to post my schedule up for the whole world to see. Im going to have 5 classes. Math 125, CD 3, Psych 2, Jap 1, and Art 1. That would leave me with only 4 more classes to take, and then i trasfer (thank god). I have been at Pierce WAY too long. After this semester i will just have to take Math 227 (Statistics 1), History 11, Health 8, and Psych 52. Hell yeah.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/punquinheads/blue/grumpy.gif) grumpy
Current Music: Dead Can Dance - Dreams Made Flesh
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January 28th, 2005
11:10 pm
I have been doing alot of thinking, and ive come to the conclusion that right now is not the time to set any defenites. Why is that? Well, i have been taking into account my feelings, thoughts, actions, entries on my lj, and i have realized that alot of it was done because of anger. Making decisions when you are overwhelmed by feelings is not always the best thing to do becuase you may not be seeing things as clearly as you think. Ugh...does that make any sence?
There was something interesting that Garrett and I talked about today. The fact that many people dont know the difference between subconscious thought and controlled thought. Many times people dont take the time to think things through and instead they just take what comes to mind at the moment. Leading them to believe that they know whats going on within themselves. Ugghh...did i mess it up again? I'm always sure of what ive thought about, until i write it down, then it just doesnt make any sence.
Well i think what im trying to say is...I dont want people to judge me based on one or two things i do, especially after knowing me for a long time. Doesnt that meen that everything else i have done is pointless? Because its not beeing taken into account. Even my attempts at making things right again doesnt matter anymore. I just hope that the future brings great things. I hope for so many things, like salvaging a freindship with Andrew, having him see me for what i really am, and not some idiot, lying, bastard as he describes me. I dont recall calling him any names...(im sorry, for all the pain ive caused you, but its clear to me that there is nothing i can do anymore to change anything. It is entirely upto you now, please dont make any defenites....please....)
Im tired of deception, im tired of going around thinking one thing and having 10 people tell me 10 different things causing me to think another thing. Remember that place i said i wanted to go? That place of love, knowledge, peace, and stability? Yeah, thats where im going. Im jumping onto that path again...hopefully ill see some friendly faces on the way, hopefully they will come along and keep me company.
Current Mood: thoughtful
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01:05 am
Yay!!! People are commenting...thank you!! You all get cookies *hands out cookies* ^_^
(in case Andrew reads this)
Andrew: Well him and i certainly had an interesting conversation today. Apparently i am an idiot, a convoluded bastard, a lier, and i dont know what i want in a relationship, but that doesnt make me a horrible person. Ok..right....*cough* Thank you...REALLY! I feel so enlightened, and thats not a joke. It makes me sad that you think you know who i am. You seem to have the idea that because i went from Dustin, to you to Garrett that i dont know what i want, when in fact i know exactly what i want. But according to you it was Dustin, Alex, You, James, AND THEN Garrett. You see Alex doesnt count because he pulled a move on me which i didnt want, and you seem to have forgotten that i ended my friendship with him after that, ya buddy! And James and i never were a "thing", we only flirted online for two nights, in which a)i told you about and b)broke up with you because i thought you didnt deserve to be with me after that, ya thats right. Well anyways, you want to know why im with Garrett? Well he has been through alot with me, and even though he has not known me for too long, he has extended love, support, and understanding to me. There are many more reasons of course, but none of which you think *frowns*. Well there is more i want to say, but im a bit drained, i will do this again tomorrow. Here are some lyrics i dedicate to you. I hope that you can see me for what i am sometime in the future, and i hope that all goes well for you. We may not be friends, but if you ever need a helping hand, mine will be in reach.
I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat
But always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances
But they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake
But it's worth making
Don't let some hell bent heart
Leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out
Reconsider
Give the heavens above
More than just a passing glance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
(Time is a real and constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
(Where those years have gone)
I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance
I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat
But always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
Current Mood: grateful
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January 25th, 2005
11:08 pm
Since there are many things to update on, and it seems that people actually do read my livejournal (but not comment), i have decided to break my entry by subjects. That way i dont have to seem like im writing a story, and the facts are put flat out onto the surface.
School: Things seem to be going well here. Although i have not been studying as much as i would like to be. That is nobodys fault but my own. I got my midterms back and i got both A's. I completely forgot about the teachers observation which was worth a good deal of points. I hope that doesnt hurt my grade too much. I am really looking forward to Spring session and working my ass off. I wont allow myself to get distracted. I most likely will have 6 classes equalling 20 units. I will post my schedule later since my schedule isnt finalized becuase i am adding two classes when the semester starts. Spring session is going to be extremely hard on my moms wallet, i am not sure if i will afford to buy my books. *sigh* Oh right, i have to present my Social Studies activity plan tomorrow in class, i hope that goes well. I couldnt think of anything too great =\.
Family: Well Ruthie is doing well. Her vocabulary seems to be growing. Hoorah! She loves going to school, except when my mom has friday off, then she gets used to having my mom around =P. She seems to be getting along well with Garrett, thats very important. On Monday my mom invited Garrett for dinner. We had tuna caserol, it was good. Hmm, then Garrett and I went out for some ITG, which was awesome. I can almost pass Walk on the Sun, i was about 5 seconds away to passing it, DAMMIT! I am so going to pass that song tomorrow! My mom is doing ok, not great but not bad either. She is really stressed at work, and she is really ill. She keeps suffering from chest pains, and memory loss. Im really worried, i asked her to go to the doctor but she is so stubborn she refuses to go. She just says things like "Oh, all they are going to do is put me on pills, and i dont want that" or "Im fine, its not that bad!" Oh yeah ok sure, DAMMIT!!! Why do you have to be that way!?!
Friends: What friends? Lets see, i see Tanya once in a while. Oh yes, we, Garrett and I, are supposed to go to Six Flags with her and her new girlfriend (?) Megan on the 5th (?) of February. I look forward to that. Oh thats right, i have a seasons pass now, YAY!!!!!!!! When Garrett and I went to Six Flags on Sunday we got seasons passes, so that meens we can now go to the park all year long for free, Yay!!! Thats going to be fun. OMG Six Flags has really good funnel cake, and X is one of their best rides, although i still prefer Deja-vu and Goliath over it any time ^_~. Sunday was defenitely a good day, except for the fact that Garrett was getting upset that certain rides werent working. Hmm, my mother told me the other day that Alona is coming back down in June. I can't wait for that.
A bit about me: Hmm for some reason i feel stressed and depressed. Im not exactly sure why, but i do know that im finding it hard to feel myself lately. I just have too much on my mind. Too many concerns, and questions. There are many things that have happened that i still question. I question their meening, their purpose. I know that only time can give me the answer, and thats if i keep a clear mind and heart. Why do things happen the way that they do? Everything we do has an effect on the outcome of things, even the smallest things. Where will my choices, and the choices of the people around me take me now? Where will i be swept off to? At least i know where it is i want to be going. To a place of peace, and knowledge. A place of stability and love. I know the road there is not easy, but then nothing grand ever is. That is why love is not an easy thing. Love ... in order to love you have to consider the other persons feelings, even if that meens you will get hurt. Not wanting to get hurt is selfish, and isnt love the opposite of that? Yes, love is indeed a hard path, because you give your heart to someone to love but also to break. All you have to ask yourself is, Would i rather be hurt by someone i know loves me, hates me , or is indifferent of me? The choice is ones own. Ack~ Im a wacko sometimes @_@ I just need more time with nature to think and get in touch with myself.
Well there is more, but i need to head to bed. Goodnight!
Current Mood: lonely
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January 21st, 2005
11:49 pm
OMGOSH! VALENTINES DAY IS ONLY 24 DAYS AWAY! ^_^ Better start making plans..........*thinks profoundly*
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/punquinheads/blue/excited.gif) excited
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11:33 pm
I am officialy dedicating this song to Garret, I love you sweetie. I hope you can get as much as i did out of these lyrics, and understand why i would dedicate this particular song to you *kiss*
Because You Loved Me
Celine Dion
For all those times you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right
For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you
I'll be forever thankful baby
You're the one who held me up
Never let me fall
You're the one who saw me through, through it all
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
You gave me wings and made me fly
You touched my hand I could touch the sky
I lost my faith, you gave it back to me
You said no star was out of reach
You stood by me and I stood tall
I had your love I had it all
I'm grateful for each day you gave me
Maybe I don't know that much
But I know this much is true
I was blessed because I was loved by you
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
You were always there for me
The tender wind that carried me
A light in the dark shining your love into my life
You've been my inspiration
Through the lies you were the truth
My world is a better place because of you
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
^_^ I hope you had a good day at work. I can't wait to see you tomorrow........yay!!!!
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/punquinheads/blue/loved.gif) loved
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